Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.

- Dale Carnegie

Unsolicited Criticism: It Stinks And So Do You

In a previous entry, I discussed how to combat stress and actually use it to your benefit, but what about when you find yourself on the giving end?

There exists a great majority of people who follow the practice of consistent, yet unasked for, criticism. It is often rationalized as somehow being constructive, yet it rarely, if ever, actually is. Those bearing the brunt of these verbal attacks are introduced to even more stress in their lives. This is simply not constructive to anyone involved, and therefore, not worth the time or the effort.

The Good
People want to be complimented. Do yourself a favor, and over-compliment them. Shower people with praise and admiration, and you will find yourself better liked and more respected. The benefits to this approach are:

The Bad
There are many reasons as to why you shouldn’t give unsolicited criticism, a few of these are:

To put it bluntly, if someone isn’t asking to be critiqued, don’t do it. But Chris, what if my intention is pure, or if it is someone I have known for as long as I can remember? It doesn’t matter. You will not receive any benefit whatsoever if you are giving criticism, whether it is to a complete stranger or to an old friend. This is the same reason why unsolicited advice is often unwarranted: if they didn’t ask for it, don’t give it to them.

A criticism is even worse when it comes unexpected, or out of the blue. This is why unsolicited criticism should never be done, because they have no time to brace for it and could be caught completely off guard. In this particular example, your girlfriend would not, or at least shouldn’t, be expecting anything negative. This could put you on the receiving end of a torment of what would be considered cruel and unusual punishment

The Ugly

Girlfriend: Does this make me look fat?

It’s the question that has been everywhere from commercials to movies to the reason why you once had to sleep on the couch. If you take her words at face value, it would appear that she is merely asking for your opinion; however, this is not the case. She is looking for some reassurance, not for any criticism, be it constructive or otherwise.  Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

But they asked for it!
I know this may seem obvious, but to many, it isn’t. There are a lot of people who have an overwhelming urge to give their honest opinion in every instance. This can get you into quite a lot of trouble. So, even though they may have opened the flood gates by asking you, there are still quite a lot of times where even solicited criticism is far from okay.

People may be asking for it, but many times, they are merely looking to be reassured. Be careful with how you criticize and who you to criticize to, because it could easily come back to haunt you.

Exceptions to the rule
Are there times where either solicited or even unsolicited, criticism could be deemed appropriate, or even – gasp! – helpful? Possibly, but you need to tread lightly. Ever so lightly.

In my opinion, unsolicited criticism should have no place in your arsenal of social interaction tools. Just don’t do it. Even if you think that the situation may call for it, you’ll be a lot better off just keeping it to yourself.

As far as dishing out criticism when it is called upon, there are times when this certainly would be appropriate. For example, if a friend asked you to review and/or comment on a paper of theirs, it could be very helpful to them if you found and corrected some of their mistakes. Does this give you license to tell them how poor of a job you thought they did? No. And this is where the idea of treading lightly comes into play. You do not want to offend, so if you don’t think they can take it, don’t tell them. What is more important: giving your honest opinion, or keeping that relationship?

Stress. At its best it is improving your physical nature and mental ability. At it’s worst it is a crippling bully that refuses to leave your side. Stress can be a humble servant or a fiery master, depending on the approach you take towards it.

Stressed Out
Like any other stimulus, it can take on a number of forms; however, all types of it fall into one of two categories. You normally have positive stress, which everything from lifting weights to solving a Sudoku puzzle, as well negative stress, which could be a family member dying to even being late for your doctor’s appointment. These labels are merely for convenience, as it is ultimately up to you how you interpret them.

Photo by _nickd
Positive Stressors vs. Negatives Stressors
Each and every time you receive a stress, be it mental or physical, you have two choices. You can view it positively or you can view it negatively. To deem everything in a negative light will surely kill your spirits, and most likely your body will be soon to follow. This is why our goal is to kill all stress, before it kills you.

The three-pronged approach
Ideally then you should try to limit all negative stress, handle what’s remaining, and view everything as positive stress.

1. Physically limit the amount of actual negative stress. This is not an easy route, but it can be extremely helpful. This involves taking yourself out of situations that you would normally find negatively stressful. If you constantly get stressed out in a relationship, be it friendly or romantic, it may be time to rethink how important that relationship is to you. It can also mean changing things on a smaller level. If always showing up late has been given you a lot of negative stress, maybe it is time to make a conscious decision to change that bad habit.

Remember, it is always your decision to consciously accept negative stress from someone else. If you are on the receiving end of an insult or something negative, don’t accept it! All you have to do is say, or even just think, that you are not willing to accept their abuse right now. This may sound obvious, but it is something that I had to program myself to do. You do not have to accept such treatment, and doing this forces them to keep their so-called “gift”! Developing this as a habit was truly life changing.

2. Better handle that negative stress that just won’t quit. Okay, none of us are perfect, and if you are, what are you doing reading this anyway? This is why this part is so important. By now you have made an effort to limit the amount of actual stress you do receive, which is a great thing to start off with, and you will see drastic improvements just from that. What do you do now? Train your mind to be like water.

Mind Like Water
There is an old adage, about training your mind to be more stable. Picture a calm body of water, perhaps a lake. That lake is extremely calm and still. So still, in fact, that it perfectly reflects the mountains and part of the sky in the background, like a mirror image. Now, drop a huge boulder into that lake. A large splash occurs and there are ripples far and wide. Eventually, that lake will return to its previous calm state.

Now, take that huge boulder and make it transform into a tiny pebble. If you now drop that pebble into the lake, there will be barely any splashes or ripples. Training your mind to be more stable is like making that rock smaller. By making that active decision to view negative stress as positive stress you have already started that journey. If you still have something that is bothering you, however, view your problem like a pebble instead of a boulder. Tell yourself that it isn’t a big deal, and know that it isn’t.

With enough “training”, all of this will become second nature. This is how the current Dalai Lama,Tenzin Gyatso, took the loss of his country, Tibet, with such stride: he had an extremely stable mind. Even the most depressing of news can be handled by attempting to view it in a positive light and by actively making it smaller or placing less importance on it.

3. Change negative stress into positive stress. What kind of stress you are receiving is a decision you make. Negative and positive are just labels you put on any kind of stress you receive.

Stop! Whatever you are doing right now, stop doing it. I want you to take something that has been bothering you, what is giving you negative stress, and tell yourself, “I absolutely love how…” and fill in whatever is stressing you out. This is going to be your mantra for the next week. When you say it, conjure up images of love and compassion. Try to actually love whatever it is, just as much, if not more, as you love this blog! You have the power to change anything and everything from negative stress to positive stress!

Try all of this out and let me know how it goes!

One of the most challenging aspects of setting goals is believing in them. Sounds simple enough, right?

It’s certainly an easy task to imagine, and even write down, some extremely creative and challenging goals for yourself, yet this is a far cry from being able to visualize yourself actually accomplishing them.

Photo by notsogoodphotography
Why the disconnect? It is simply a manner of changing how you mentally approach goal-setting. Your goal needs to be managed within a foolproof system. There is no way you can allow for any other possibility, other than your desired outcome, to occur. Besides, if you don’t truly believe it can happen, with every fiber of your being, you stand a strong change of your worst fears coming true: being right.

Write Your Own Future?
Here is how my approach to setting goals works..

1. I make a very clear description of my goal, writing it as if it has already been accomplished. To do this, I use past-tense verbs and positive, congratulatory language. I was so happy when I… The positive language further stresses the feeling that it has already been accomplished. If you think of your goal as something you have already done, half of the battle is over.

2. I imagine myself writing my autobiography. Obviously, my frame of reference in this scenario would be long after this particular goal has been accomplished. This is what affords me the opportunity to visualize myself in this way.

3. The current chapter I am writing is where I am at in my life now. Note that this does not contain my goal or any future plans. This gives you a reference point for where you want to be or what you want to do. This is also the only real variable within the entire system, so you must ensure strong control over it. The only unknown is how much longer you have left in this chapter.
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4. The goal I am striving towards can be found in the next chapter, which has conveniently already been written. This is what gives the entire process an air of inevitability. No matter what happens in the current chapter, the next one has already been written and has already happened. The end is finalized, it is only the means that is left.

This might seem like a lot of work, but most of it can be done in your head. Obviously, the more you do it, the quicker the entire process becomes. The benefits are rather straightforward. If all you do is the first step, you have already given yourself, and your goal, a great boost. Let’s say your goal is to complete a marathon. You have many options of phrasing this goal to yourself, but the most common would be something like:

I want to complete a marathon.

Compare that to:

I was so ecstatic after I completed a marathon.

You are convincing yourself that you have not only already completed this goal, but that it was a wonderful experience. This is a very powerful tool.

The other steps help to reiterate that the only outcome is success. The current chapter of your autobiography has yet to be finished, but waiting for it is the next chapter, your goal, which has already been written. The only variable is how many pages are left and what you will have to go through to get there. This forces you to remove judgment from any failures or successes. It doesn’t matter how many obstacles you are going to have, as this is a goal you have already accomplished!

I swear it wasn’t more than halfway through watching this movie that I thought to myself, “This would make a killer post!” However, I am not saddened to say that the message behind this wonderfully imaginative and extremely colorful film fits nicely with the subject matter of GrowStronger.com. What is that message exactly? The power of belief.

Throughout the movie, Mr. Magorium’s character, played by Dustin Hoffman, had a magical sense about him. Whether it was him or the store that was truly magical is beyond the point. He had the belief that life itself was magical and that was the only explanation needed for the fantastic and gravity-defying spectacles put on daily at his toy shop.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, there have been countless movies centered around this idea. We’ve seen it everywhere. In fact, the idea that all one has to do is believe has been drilled into our collective heads from teachers, parents, and even Oscar-winning actors. But that doesn’t take anything away from this movie at all.

If you have yet to see this movie, and don’t want it to be spoiled for you, then please read no further. Very light spoilers to follow.

Wooden Cube Theory
Right away, Mr. Magorium gives Molley Mahoney, played by Natalie Portman, a wooden cube. He gives no description of how it will actually be used, only that it will be important for an adventure of some kind…

The theory of the wooden cube is that projecting the power of belief into something else will give you great insight into yourself. After Molly finally realized that it wasn’t believing in the cube that made it magical, it was believing in herself.

If you could believe in the power of something as small and insignificant as a wooden cube, then you could believe in the power of something as creative, inspirational, and imaginative as yourself. By harnessing the power of belief into something like that wooden cube, you strengthen the idea of being able to believe in who you are and what you are capable of.

So my suggestion to all of you is to pick something to believe in so strongly that it becomes magical. Whether it is a practice, a way of life, something abstract like love, or even a wooden box. The more magical it becomes to you, the more magical you will see yourself.