Unsolicited Criticism: It Stinks And So Do You
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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain — and most fools do.
- Dale Carnegie
Unsolicited Criticism: It Stinks And So Do You
In a previous entry, I discussed how to combat stress and actually use it to your benefit, but what about when you find yourself on the giving end?
There exists a great majority of people who follow the practice of consistent, yet unasked for, criticism. It is often rationalized as somehow being constructive, yet it rarely, if ever, actually is. Those bearing the brunt of these verbal attacks are introduced to even more stress in their lives. This is simply not constructive to anyone involved, and therefore, not worth the time or the effort.
The Good
People want to be complimented. Do yourself a favor, and over-compliment them. Shower people with praise and admiration, and you will find yourself better liked and more respected. The benefits to this approach are:
The Bad
There are many reasons as to why you shouldn’t give unsolicited criticism, a few of these are:
To put it bluntly, if someone isn’t asking to be critiqued, don’t do it. But Chris, what if my intention is pure, or if it is someone I have known for as long as I can remember? It doesn’t matter. You will not receive any benefit whatsoever if you are giving criticism, whether it is to a complete stranger or to an old friend. This is the same reason why unsolicited advice is often unwarranted: if they didn’t ask for it, don’t give it to them.
A criticism is even worse when it comes unexpected, or out of the blue. This is why unsolicited criticism should never be done, because they have no time to brace for it and could be caught completely off guard. In this particular example, your girlfriend would not, or at least shouldn’t, be expecting anything negative. This could put you on the receiving end of a torment of what would be considered cruel and unusual punishment
The Ugly
Girlfriend: Does this make me look fat?
It’s the question that has been everywhere from commercials to movies to the reason why you once had to sleep on the couch. If you take her words at face value, it would appear that she is merely asking for your opinion; however, this is not the case. She is looking for some reassurance, not for any criticism, be it constructive or otherwise. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
But they asked for it!
I know this may seem obvious, but to many, it isn’t. There are a lot of people who have an overwhelming urge to give their honest opinion in every instance. This can get you into quite a lot of trouble. So, even though they may have opened the flood gates by asking you, there are still quite a lot of times where even solicited criticism is far from okay.
People may be asking for it, but many times, they are merely looking to be reassured. Be careful with how you criticize and who you to criticize to, because it could easily come back to haunt you.
Exceptions to the rule
Are there times where either solicited or even unsolicited, criticism could be deemed appropriate, or even – gasp! – helpful? Possibly, but you need to tread lightly. Ever so lightly.
In my opinion, unsolicited criticism should have no place in your arsenal of social interaction tools. Just don’t do it. Even if you think that the situation may call for it, you’ll be a lot better off just keeping it to yourself.
As far as dishing out criticism when it is called upon, there are times when this certainly would be appropriate. For example, if a friend asked you to review and/or comment on a paper of theirs, it could be very helpful to them if you found and corrected some of their mistakes. Does this give you license to tell them how poor of a job you thought they did? No. And this is where the idea of treading lightly comes into play. You do not want to offend, so if you don’t think they can take it, don’t tell them. What is more important: giving your honest opinion, or keeping that relationship?
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February 1st, 2008 at 7:41 am
Criticism in any form is a human invention and stinks of egotism, especially when it is
unsolicited. If you are asked for your opinion, give it but never use criticism to bolster your ego. Mind your own business and leave others the hell alone.——Doug Rosbury
February 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
Doug,
And I thought I put it bluntly! Well done, and I fully agree. I like your idea that criticism is a human invention, I had never thought of it like that. Is it another natural law that man breaks, or is criticism some consequence of having the gift of reason? I wonder…
February 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Let me explain if you will. each of us has free agency and are therefore completely responsible for the results of our actions. Criticism, therefore is an attack on the right
of another person to make his or her own decisions based on their right of self
determination. When you set out to criticise another person, you are setting yourself up as their conscience which is blatant interference in their right of free agency. It stands to reason that God who is the chief executor of the universe would bestow upon us, his children, the right which he enjoys, namely, the right to self determination. He expects us to be able to say,”I did it my way” Do you recall Frank Sinatras song by that title?
“To criticise” is not a right. We are to ask for the permission in any case, of anyone
before even giving our opinion regarding their attitudes, opinions and actions.
Spiritual law takes ascendency over human law. That is why I said that criticism is a
human invention. —Doug Rosbury
February 1st, 2008 at 11:05 am
“‘To criticise” is not a right.’” I think this is a very valid point. The disconnect seems to be with people who criticize so often, that it becomes second nature. They feel that voicing their opinion is beneficial to everyone. Why? The excuse of “freedom of speech” is often used. Yes, it may be your legal right, but it should not be your right as someone who wants to live by a code of compassion for others.
Just like you said, spiritual law vs. human law. You have to ask yourself which is more important to you. Just because you can legally do it, doesn’t always mean you should.
February 1st, 2008 at 12:02 pm
The world is full of people who will be happy to tell you why your ideas will not work. Small minded people think that somehow they can improve their own lot by putting down others. Small minded people have a zero-sum mentality–they believe that people gain success only at the expense of others.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
True success comes from providing something of value to the world. Your dreams, your ideas do not diminish the lives of others. When you improve your own life, you cannot help but improve the lives of those around you.
“Ultimately the only power to which a man aspires is that which he exercises over himself”
-Elie Wiesel
February 1st, 2008 at 2:50 pm
this is one of those topics that I think the outcome depends on who you are with and what the situation is. I think it is much too complicated to be summed up with never give bad criticism or unsolicited and give a lot of good. Personally I dont like a lot of compliments. to over compliment is unsincere and a waste of words. I simple, thats a nice suit, or I love those shoes, and said once and sincerely is all that is asked. If you dont think its nice, dont say anything, but dont be insincere. after a while people will realize that you are incapable of giving them the advice they need and you are only one to try and make someone feel good. The situation for giving and recieving a compliment should be taken in stride. no over compliments and a simple thank you should suffice and be perfectly polite. I agree with the negative, or “constructive” criticism being bad if it is unsolicited. however, I do feel where if it is two friends who are close. and the occasion calls for you to intervene, you must do so, so as to not become part of a potential lie. at the end of the day a gentleman and a lady have good reputations and if you think that your friend is harming yours or someone elses. perhaps a polite intervention is necessary. A scene is never to be made of any situation though. but if your friend is cheating on his girlfriend or on his taxes and you feel that they are to be caught and you genuinely feel for your friends self-respect, I feel that to pull that person aside and say, “John, i know what you have been doing. I will not mention this to cynthia unless she asks me upfront, as you know i will not lie. however I feel that you may be headed down a rocky road and I just thought I should let you know that if you need any help ending this, I will be there for you.” that way your friend is still i control, you made him aware of your knowing and your disapproval without saying hes a sinner, and it is off your consience.
With the does this make me look fat bit. First off, a lady would never say such a thing. this whole blog was about manners. to ask someone a catch 22 question is not a polite thing to do. so as a gentleman, you must NEVER lie, but you also cannot hurt anothers feelings. so what do you do? to me I would say, “I dont know about fat, but i dont really like that color on you. I really like that one (insert color of dress here) dress on you, i think it comliments you nicely.”
These responses come from a book of etiquette I have that is titled “What a Gentleman Would Say” I agree with these responses. However, if you dont know what to say, dont say anything. sometimes what is unsaid will convey to the other person you dilemma and if they are also a person of manners, they will see that they have put you in an awkward place. being a well mannered individual is not about ego, or being better than someone else, if it is genuine, it is about showing respect to others at all times.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Deborah,
“True success comes from providing something of value to the world.” I completely and utterly agree! Fantastic comment. Criticism rarely, if ever, adds something of value, so why do it?
Blake,
Over-complimenting is relative, of course. Anything taken to an extreme is bad, but I think that over-complimenting is much better than under-complimenting.
Also, saying the color is wrong is a bit of a lie in and of itself. If you really think it makes her look bad, I would certainly not tell her that. I think that makes me a gentleman, so I guess we have different viewpoints of that term.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
one last thing, if you are not willing to tell a white lie to the lady, or you just dont lie and tell her that it does make her look fat, there are two options. One, on being truthful and telling her she doesnt look good in that, she could be glad that you were honest as a lady would be as she is confident enough in herself that she can take the criticism she asked for, if she gets upset, then she is not a lady as she knowingly, or unknowingly, created a scene and put you in a bad spot. I dont care what most people do, that is not a nice thing to do to anyone, and if she was a LADY she would not ask without knowing you are going to be truthful. Also, I have had several girlfriends who can readily take the true criticism and not some white lie. so dont tell me that ill never find a good woman. also about dougs comment. I agree that we can all make our own choices and what I would have done doesnt matter. It is not my place to put it on you. however, you make friends with people who are similar to you, and if you are close friends, you know what type of person they are. if you care for your friends you know what type of reputation they have and if your friend is doing something that you feel is hurting his own reputation, than perhaps you should POLITELY tell him or her. dont say they suck and yell at them, jsut say something like, hey man, i realize you are free to do what you want, but I think that it is my job as your friend to ask you if you have thought about such ans such a consequence. dont argue. never argue unless they are willing to get into a constructive, light conversation. if this is an issue that is very heated, as this topic is, I feel that if there is a disagreement, it should be voiced and if there is any disagreement, that topic should not be brought up again as everyone can decide for themselves what they feel is polite and what is not. I think I have now wasted enough of everyones time, and to those I have upset with my rambling, i apologize. I will speak no more of this.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Blake,
Correct me if I am wrong, but where did you come up with this definition of a “LADY”? Perhaps you are confusing your dream woman, or typical girlfriend, with what has to come across as someone that is considered a lady.
I think you missed the point of the entry a bit. The part about the girlfriend was merely a joke, to serve as an example of when solicited criticism is not appropriate. It isn’t always.
You can be a lady and take offense to criticism. I don’t know where you got the notion that they couldn’t.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:32 pm
It seems we have said quite a lot about criticism and I see we have a good consensus
as I read other opinions. We have, then, the word critical. Let’s look up its meaning and then carry forth our discussion on the basis of an accepted reality. I feel that if we want to know the spiritual reality, we only need to reverse the word to point to the one criticizing
and see that we all should rather criticize our own attitude and focus on being compassionate toward others, realizing that those we would criticize are , as the saying goes are where we would be but for the grace of God and that even God favors us all equally and that as we criticize, we are criticizing God himself. “Whatsoever you do unto these, even the least of my bretheren, you do unto me.” When the finger of criticism points to another person, what about the one pointing his or her finger? And “Who among you is without sin throw the first stone”. Practice compassion and offer healing rather than division
Doug Rosbury
February 1st, 2008 at 4:06 pm
okay, this is totally on teh level of logic and has nothing to do with unsolicited criticism and is not meant to attack any beliefs anyone has.
“When you set out to criticise another person, you are setting yourself up as their conscience which is blatant interference in their right of free agency. It stands to reason that God who is the chief executor of the universe would bestow upon us, his children, the right which he enjoys, namely, the right to self determination.”
correct me if im wrong, but am i to conclude that a god that has a power and knowledge that is beyond any of our understanding, or we ourselves would then be on gods level, created people the way he saw fit? to criticize another is to criticize god himself in that you are criticizing his own creation. I can take this two ways.
One, if god created us with free agency, then you are no more right then i. so if i think i am right to not get into your business and yell randomly that people suck left and right, then that is what god created me to think and so it makes me no more right than someone who thinks to leave those comments well enough alone and keep his mouth shut. therefore since both are equal neither is bad nor can either be faulted. you should love each person equally as gods creation.
Two, if you are saying that god created us with free agency then wouldnt my ego, which god gave me free agency to have, be his ego. if a made b, and be made c. then a made c. so if god created ego as part of the free agency then why not criticism. if god made us, and your god is an omniscient and omnipresent god, then he surely would have known about humans creation for criticism. he created us with a certain potential-free agency. so anything we create, he created in us. a separate issue is whether or not that is truly “free” but the real issue is that if you think people should mind their own business and you think that criticism is a human invention, then you are doing two things. One, you are making a criticism, and two, you are putting down part of gods own creation.
thoughts anyone? feel free to point out errors in my logic. however the logic of if a then b. which in logic would be “a -> b” and if b then c, which is “b -> c”. then my the rules of logic namely hypothetical syllogism, you conclude : “a->c”. which is if a, then c.
this would read. god created man. god created free agency. man created criticism. free agency created criticism. If god created man then he gave him free agency. if man has free agancy, criticism is his invention. ergo, god created criticism. Check and mate my friend. I can write this out as a formal proof if anyone would like me to.
February 1st, 2008 at 7:35 pm
I liked this post a lot, I agree that criticism sucks, and the people that do it without you asking are usually busy bodies who can’t help themselves and have nothing else to do. Working in an over 55 community, I can vouch for that!
February 1st, 2008 at 7:42 pm
i think I will leave the thoughts of “giant” alone. I’m not here to argue but only to give my opinion regarding the subject under discussion. Anyone is welcome to do the same
and to decide for themselves what to believe. We will all know the truth as we travel on our own path. My opinion remains as I gave it as my contribution to our discussion.
The bottom line, as I see it is that what matters to us all is how we relate to one another. Anyone would agree, In my opinion that there are certain rules of conduct we all follow (or do if we wish to be in harmony with each other). These rules seem to me to be a natural consequence of our experience over the many years of our time on earth as a species and a race of humans. As we follow these as our guide, We will form a consensus and will be unified by our willingness to respect one another and to
learn to enjoy our ongoing dialogue.—Doug Rosbury
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:26 am
doug,
I agree with you in your last post. Also, I feel I owe you an apology for jumping down your throat with all that. I was in a debate with chris on an online chat and was a bit to pumped up and argumentative from that. I have a tendency to pick apart how a person says something even though I agree with the big picture.
Also, i agree that this is not the place for arguments and so I will do my best to stop myself from dissecting others modes of communication. I also agree with everything in this post but was just playing the devils advocate to try and stir up some of the different feelings people had, but I personally feel I crossed the line and was a bit to forward.
Blake
February 2nd, 2008 at 9:57 am
Giant, I never ask for or expect apologies, however I was happy to read your last contribution to our dialogue and the humility you expressed. I’m finding people in this blog whom I never expected to meet. I don’t look for agreement either, however, I believe in what I say and it’s really nice to see that others are in tune with me. I invite you and anyone to be a friend and to feel free to contact me at my email address,—Love, Doug
February 2nd, 2008 at 10:06 am
Hi everyone,
I have got to say that if I ask your opinion on how I look, do be honest. If I know I look good then I wouldn’t ask. Depending on what is going on in my life- I sometimes need another opinion from someone who cares about me. When I ask my husband or my sons for their opinion, boy will they give it to me. And is it ever fabulous when out of the blue, one of them says how great I look.
February 2nd, 2008 at 1:08 pm
One criticism of this article (ironic, or just unimaginative?): The over complimenting thing. I’m not for it. People who do a lot of complementing seem spineless and up to something. To me, if something is complemented, it deserves to be singled out. Over-saturating the air with positivity, while obviously positive, begins to lose its impact after a while, and the person loses credibility. At least with me. As for unsolicited criticism, I tend to avoid it in general. I like the old “glass house” strategy.
February 2nd, 2008 at 1:59 pm
I agree with you, Deborah. I like to know the truth about the way I look as well. Although, I would hate to hear my boyfriend tell me I look fat, so i just don’t ask! What about with your own friends? Do you tell them the truth? I find myself staying neutral as much as possible. I try to think of nice things to say, like, I like your top, or look for something I like about them and compliment that. I try to find something good or attractive about everyone. If asked, I compliment them on that particular thing I admire about them and then i don’t have to lie if I don’t think the particular outfit is so great, lol. I focus on the GOOD.
February 2nd, 2008 at 2:42 pm
Hi Rebecca, it is true that most people don’t want to hear the truth. We all think we do, but most of us are in some kind of denial about ourselves. That we why we tend to tell others the right and wrong way to do things-that prevents us from really taking a good look at ourselves. Reading the posts on this subject has made me stand back and take a look at my own behavior. In my world the glass is half full, but many of the people in my life think the exact opposite. All human beings have something good in them somewhere way deep down. It is up to all of us to help them find it.
February 2nd, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I want to first take a moment and thank everyone who has participated in this fantastic conversation!
@ Giant – Very interesting. I like the logical proof you used. That is very Blake of you. I laughed pretty hard when I read you were just playing the devil’s advocate. If only you had told me that earlier! Thanks for being so nice about everything. Wouldn’t it be possible to prove just about anything with your formulas, as long as you had the phrasing right? If so, how is that a valuable technique?
@ Doug – You have brought a really unique and fascinating perspective to this discussion. “The bottom line, as I see it is that what matters to us all is how we relate to one another.” I couldn’t agree more, and this is what a large part of this post is about. How we relate to one another and how to keep that relationship alive and strong. Are you arguing for the idea of “universal ethics”?
@ Deborah – Thanks for sharing your powerful words and stories. It is true that you have to make a sacrifice not to tell someone unsolicited, or even solicited, criticism. That sacrifice is that you aren’t going to be the person they go to when they really want an honest answer. But I know that I am okay with that. Many times, they would just get upset anyway. How would you feel if someone told you, out of the blue, that they didn’t think your outfit looked good today? Would you really be okay if they said it was bad?
@ Austin – Yes, it is a little funny how you critiqued it, even though I wasn’t asking for it. Although, in a way, by making a post here I am asking for your comments, so I would file this under solicited criticism. Anyway, when I said over-compliment that was an over-simplification. For someone who never comments, over-complimenting is a good guideline, because to them it will not be too much. If you are already the kind of person who is known for complimenting, then you would not want to over-compliment. It was merely a guideline or parameter, and is always relative to your own unique behavior. Would you say that you compliment a lot, or not a lot, and could you see a benefit in complimenting people more?
@ Rebecca – “I find myself staying neutral as much as possible.” Very good point. Like the Swiss, staying neutral is always a good idea, especially when it comes to the feelings of others. Obviously, you want to remain positive when you can, but you need to always balance that with being honest. Staying neutral sums up a lot in my mind. Why don’t you think it would be possible to always stay positive or on that one person’s side?
February 2nd, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Hi Chris, yes I would be okay with that. If I think I look great, then that is what matters. Perhaps what you are asking is how would I feel if someone told me I looked awful. I have enough confidence to not let what others say affect me. If you feel good about where you are in your life, why would someone’s words mean so much?
February 4th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Deborah,
“All human beings have something good in them somewhere way deep down. It is up to all of us to help them find it.” Finally a praise for the compliment! I completely agree!
“If you feel good about where you are in your life, why would someone’s words mean so much?” While everyone here at GrowStronger.com is probably perfect at stress management, not all of us are as fortunate. The idea not to insult is because it will hurt many. I think the best overall principle is that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it.
February 4th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Dear people/ the key to clarity of perception and satisfaction with ones own progress is humility and a correct interpretation of it. Humility gives you the appropriate perspective on life and all of the questions and opinions you may have. It puts you in your place,so to speak, and this should be entirely voluntary on your part. In other words, “take the lowest seat at the banquet so that the host, seeing this, might say,”Friend, come up higher ” and honors you for your humility. Humility does not make you less than you are but shows you to realize that there is always someone above you and some one below you in evolution of consciousness. Humility is the answer to all questions of “where i am”
and why am i here and ought to make you comfortable being yourself. The enemy of
humility, of course is that sense of self importance along with all its demands and resentments known as egotism. It comes out of a perception that “God and I are separate which was never true.—Respectfully, Doug Rosbury
December 5th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
“What is more important: giving your honest opinion, or keeping that relationship?”
Honesty is more important. Any relationship not based on mutual honesty is a false one. So, if a person can’t take being told the truth, they shouldn’t be your friend. It’s simple: Friendships can only exist between people of shared values, so if you value honesty, you shouldn’t be dishonest (in any way),
December 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am
I completely agree Mathieu, there is really nothing more I need to add, as you said that quite well.
thanks for the comments,
Blake
December 10th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Wow. Powerful stuff Mathieu.
December 16th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
If a person goes through life saturated by compliments and no criticism as you would like, how would they ever know what they are doing is wrong?
These things can be very simple. For example, I never before thought about the right away while driving on an icy hill where only one car can drive up or down at a time. My friend pointed out when I went first down the hill that the driver going up the hill has a harder time and should be given the right away so they do not get stuck in the snow.
I did not ask for this criticism, yet it opened my mind to something I had simply never thought about. I was not being malicious in going first, it had just never crossed my mind. I value the criticism of my driving because it helps me learn to be a better person.
If you cannot take criticism then you do not wish to be a better person. The truth is only made stronger by questioning. Only that which is wrong fears critic. If what you are doing is right then you will have no problem replying to critic.
My response is simple. Do not bring god into it, grow up and accept that you are not perfect, a job well done is better than any compliment in the world.
December 17th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I can not help but agreeing with you Sehra,
however, I also think that it takes a certain state of mind for a person to take unsolicited criticism well. If you are not in the proper state of mind, you may feel it as an attack on you as a person, and not on your actions. Separating these two, or rather separating yourself from your ego, is what is required. If you wish to help the person your are criticizing, then you must be able to see that they are sufficiently separated. If you are the one who is being criticized, then, if you are not in the right frame of mind, you may be put off, but if the point was well made on the person doing the criticizing, and not just said maliciously, then you will be able to sift through the words and emotional content of what they said, and find that nugget of truth, even if when it was said it was meant as hurtful.
I think what was meant by this article was that to assume that everyone is in the right frame of mind to take criticism is to assume too much. It also may assert, rightly or wrongly, that the person who is doing the criticizing has a better way of view and is in some sense superior. The heart of the article is about compassion. If one truly acts with compassion they will know when to cold back criticism in favor of compliment, and when to give it so that both have the most impact with the least amount of negative influence. To think in terms of going to the extreme of never giving criticism, or never giving compliments is obviously perverting the reality here, which is that doing good unto others is paramount.
Good comments, keep them coming!!
Blake