however, I also think that it takes a certain state of mind for a person to take unsolicited criticism well. If you are not in the proper state of mind, you may feel it as an attack on you as a person, and not on your actions. Separating these two, or rather separating yourself from your ego, is what is required. If you wish to help the person your are criticizing, then you must be able to see that they are sufficiently separated. If you are the one who is being criticized, then, if you are not in the right frame of mind, you may be put off, but if the point was well made on the person doing the criticizing, and not just said maliciously, then you will be able to sift through the words and emotional content of what they said, and find that nugget of truth, even if when it was said it was meant as hurtful.

I think what was meant by this article was that to assume that everyone is in the right frame of mind to take criticism is to assume too much. It also may assert, rightly or wrongly, that the person who is doing the criticizing has a better way of view and is in some sense superior. The heart of the article is about compassion. If one truly acts with compassion they will know when to cold back criticism in favor of compliment, and when to give it so that both have the most impact with the least amount of negative influence. To think in terms of going to the extreme of never giving criticism, or never giving compliments is obviously perverting the reality here, which is that doing good unto others is paramount.

Good comments, keep them coming!!
Blake

These things can be very simple. For example, I never before thought about the right away while driving on an icy hill where only one car can drive up or down at a time. My friend pointed out when I went first down the hill that the driver going up the hill has a harder time and should be given the right away so they do not get stuck in the snow.

I did not ask for this criticism, yet it opened my mind to something I had simply never thought about. I was not being malicious in going first, it had just never crossed my mind. I value the criticism of my driving because it helps me learn to be a better person.

If you cannot take criticism then you do not wish to be a better person. The truth is only made stronger by questioning. Only that which is wrong fears critic. If what you are doing is right then you will have no problem replying to critic.

My response is simple. Do not bring god into it, grow up and accept that you are not perfect, a job well done is better than any compliment in the world.

thanks for the comments,
Blake

Honesty is more important. Any relationship not based on mutual honesty is a false one. So, if a person can’t take being told the truth, they shouldn’t be your friend. It’s simple: Friendships can only exist between people of shared values, so if you value honesty, you shouldn’t be dishonest (in any way),

“All human beings have something good in them somewhere way deep down. It is up to all of us to help them find it.” Finally a praise for the compliment! I completely agree!

“If you feel good about where you are in your life, why would someone’s words mean so much?” While everyone here at GrowStronger.com is probably perfect at stress management, not all of us are as fortunate. The idea not to insult is because it will hurt many. I think the best overall principle is that if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it.

@ Giant – Very interesting. I like the logical proof you used. That is very Blake of you. I laughed pretty hard when I read you were just playing the devil’s advocate. If only you had told me that earlier! Thanks for being so nice about everything. Wouldn’t it be possible to prove just about anything with your formulas, as long as you had the phrasing right? If so, how is that a valuable technique?

@ Doug – You have brought a really unique and fascinating perspective to this discussion. “The bottom line, as I see it is that what matters to us all is how we relate to one another.” I couldn’t agree more, and this is what a large part of this post is about. How we relate to one another and how to keep that relationship alive and strong. Are you arguing for the idea of “universal ethics”?

@ Deborah – Thanks for sharing your powerful words and stories. It is true that you have to make a sacrifice not to tell someone unsolicited, or even solicited, criticism. That sacrifice is that you aren’t going to be the person they go to when they really want an honest answer. But I know that I am okay with that. Many times, they would just get upset anyway. How would you feel if someone told you, out of the blue, that they didn’t think your outfit looked good today? Would you really be okay if they said it was bad?

@ Austin – Yes, it is a little funny how you critiqued it, even though I wasn’t asking for it. Although, in a way, by making a post here I am asking for your comments, so I would file this under solicited criticism. Anyway, when I said over-compliment that was an over-simplification. For someone who never comments, over-complimenting is a good guideline, because to them it will not be too much. If you are already the kind of person who is known for complimenting, then you would not want to over-compliment. It was merely a guideline or parameter, and is always relative to your own unique behavior. Would you say that you compliment a lot, or not a lot, and could you see a benefit in complimenting people more?

@ Rebecca – “I find myself staying neutral as much as possible.” Very good point. Like the Swiss, staying neutral is always a good idea, especially when it comes to the feelings of others. Obviously, you want to remain positive when you can, but you need to always balance that with being honest. Staying neutral sums up a lot in my mind. Why don’t you think it would be possible to always stay positive or on that one person’s side?